Congratulations Pussy Pulverizer, the Champion of CLLAW 13

It took a week to recover from CLLAW 13, but we’re finally ready to give credit where credit is due. The new champion of CLLAW 13 is Pussy Pulverizer. Only her second CLLAW, Pussy and her vicious team of pussies came from behind to win it all.

Defeated in round three by a very determined and stoic Lumberjack Jill, Pussy and all the pussies lobbied hard with the crowd and re-entered the race as the CLLAW 13′s crowd favorite. Apparently, CLLAW followers are big fans of kitty litter and cat hair.

It was fairly obvious throughout the night that the Pussy Pulverizer also happened to have some very powerful friends. Power couple Florida Devereaux and Dick Douchee chose their horse early on in the evening, but they kept their distance for appearance’s sake and probably because Pussy also smelled strongly of cat urine.

The evening didn’t end with Pussy’s triumph, however. Florida Devereaux had other plans in mind, but that is fodder for another story. For now, let’s congratulate Pussy Pulverizer on her well-earned triumph. On the night, her pussies certainly looked pleased.

CLLAW XIII Tomorrow Night!

We’re only 24 hours away from Chicago’s biggest night of lady arm wrestling. CLLAW XIII takes over Wrigleyville at 10 PM at O’Malley’s Liquor Kitchen. Cubs fans still hanging around after the game better watch out. Lady arm wrestlers fear no baseball fans. Lady arm wrestlers fear nothing, except sometimes each other.

Greece might be in shambles but CLLAW’s economy is thriving. Trade your money for CLLAW’s currency of choice, CLLAWBUX, bet on a winning wrestler and win big prizes, like gift certificates to local restaurants, gift certificates for classes at Second City, and so much more.

Doors open at 9:30 at O’Malley’s Liquor Kitchen (3551 N. Sheffield). Get there early and prove your strength by thumb wrestling some lady arm wrestlers before the matches begin.

CLLAW’s Favorite Fairy!

A tiny titan of rage and proponent and practitioner of binge drinking, Drinker Bell is certainly one of CLLAW’s most colourful characters. In lieu of pixie dust, Drinker Bell leaves a trail of empty pints and crushed cans of beer behind her. She abandoned the bell-like language of the fairies behind long ago, replacing it with the slurred ramblings of the magically drunk and deranged. Don’t clap at Drinker Bell if you believe in fairies because she’ll probably just knee you in the groin. Never short on opinions, Drinker Bell says that all men who just won’t grow up can “suck it” and all women named Wendy are “douches.”

And she pulls no punches when it comes to her competition at CLLAW 13 either. “The Lost Boys are now known as the Even More Lost Boys because I ‘disappeared’ them. I’m not afraid to do the same to any lady arm wrestler who tries to cross me,” she said after one of her weekly three-day benders.

Watch CLLAW’s favorite inebriated fairy in action this Saturday,
April 21st at O’Malley’s Liquor Kitchen in Wrigleyville. Get there early and place your CLLAWBUX bets often.

The Punisher Is Back to … Punish, Probably

We’ve said this before and we’ll say it again … no two CLLAWs are alike. If you’ve been to more than one CLLAW (and let’s be honest – you’ve been to more than one CLLAW), you know this is true. CLLAWs are great. CLLAWs are grandiose. CLLAWs are gigantic. CLLAWs are g-stupendous? And all of this has never been more true than with this CLLAW XIII.

Changes are afoot. The roster is set and we have spotted a familiar name in her old role. Bettie Rage is throwing away the black and white stripes of the ref to thrown down as a wrestler at CLLAW XIII. CLLAW aficionados will have enjoyed seeing her punish more than a few naughty wrestlers and fans as CLLAW’s sexiest referee. (Gordon Limey would like us to say that this is subjective and some have said he is CLLAW’s sexiest referee, but no one came forward when we tried to fact-check this information.) But fear not, CLLAW lovers! Bettie Rage punishes just as well at the wrestling table. Armed with her arms and a cat o’ nine tails, Bettie Rage is sure to whip the competition into shape.

Watch those sweet cheeks, lady arm wrestlers, because Bettie … well she has a thing for hitting butts. There really is no other way to say it. Watch her kick and hit some butts this Saturday, April 21st at O’Malley’s Liquor Kitchen in Wrigleyville. Doors open at 9:30 and wrestling starts promptly at 10 PM.

Got Money? Do Something Good with It!

There so are many great things about CLLAW: kick ass lady arm wrestlers, a three-hour open bar for only $25, amazing CLLAW prizes, and, most importantly, all proceeds from CLLAW go to charity. Sideshow Theatre Company‘s partner charity for CLLAW XIII is Erasing the Distance.

Erasing the Distance is a Chicago non-profit that seeks to erase stigmas and stimulate dialogue surrounding issues of mental health. Erasing the Distance collects true stories from those personally affected by mental health issues and crafts them into great theatre, from scenes and monologues to full-length productions. Each production is followed by a discussion with the audience about the production’s themes and the signs and symptoms of mental illness.

Help support the important work of these two contributors to Chicago’s vibrant theatrical community. Come to CLLAW, drink at CLLAW, win prizes at CLLAW, and, without realizing it, do some good while you’re there. If it looks like a charity fundraiser and walks like a charity fundraiser then it’s definitely not CLLAW and you need to check your Google maps directions because you’re probably in the wrong place.

CLLAW XIII is only one week away. Mark your calendars for April 21st at 9:30 at O’Malley’s Liquor Kitchen in Wrigleyville.

The Saga Continues … Florida Devereaux NOT Wrestling at CLLAW 13

“Say it ain’t so,” yelled a number of CLLAW fan-addicts when they heard the news. Former child star, current very famous person, and longtime Rockke L. Squelch rival Florida Devereaux has announced that she won’t be arm wrestling at CLLAW 13 on April 21st. In a press release picked up by no other major publications, Florida held nothing back … except for maybe the truth.

From the office of beloved TV personality and mystery novel lover Florida Devereaux:

“Honey babies, fans, and super fans,

I won’t be arm wrestlin’ at CLLAW 13. Now, I know y’all are rollin’ around on the ground and you’re cryin’ and you’re wailin’ and you’re sayin’, ‘NO! Florida! NO! Don’t do this to us. Don’t take the joy out of the world and leave us nothing beautiful and sequined.’ I’m not doin’ that. I would never deprive the world of me. I just would NOT do that. It wouldn’t survive without me. I know that. Y’all honey babies know that. Rockke L. Squelch, even you know that.

I might not be wrestlin’ at CLLAW but that doesn’t mean I won’t be at CLLAW 13. Oh I’ll be at CLLAW. What am I gonna do at CLLAW 13 if I’m not wrestling? I won’t be doin’ anything wrong. I certainly won’t be doin’ anything conspiratorial, nothing major that involves key CLLAW power players like that beautiful, beautiful, sweet cheeked (and I’m talkin’ butt cheeks) Dick Douchee. Nope none of that’s gonna happen. Rockke L. Squelch has nuthin’ to worry about. She can let guard down because Florida has no plans to strike back after all that ruckus at CLLAW 12.

Honey sweetie babies, I just can’t wait to see y’all at CLLAW 13. Come and support me and not Rockke. Now, of course, there is no right side or wrong side to be on because there is no reason to choose a side, but y’all might wanna think about sides because sides can be important even when there is no reason to choose one over the other. Y’all get what I’m sayin’? Good. See y’all soon.“

We can’t say for sure, but we think Florida might be up to something. Now, she maintains she’s “up to nuthin,’” which might or might not be true, but … as we’ve said before, there are rumblings. The saga continues at CLLAW 13 on April 21st. Doors open at O’Malley’s Liquor Kitchen in Wrigleyville at 9:30 and the epic 3-hour bar package for only $25 starts at 10 PM. Tickets are available online here.

There Are Rumblings …

What is going on with CLLAW 13? Things at CLLAW are conspicuously quiet but there are rumblings. What kind of rumblings? We can’t say for sure. Things just aren’t quite right. With less than three weeks to go, Rockke L. Squelch can’t be found. And after Florida Devereaux’s antics at the last CLLAW, it appears she’s gone to ground as well.

Missing from the action for the last two CLLAWs, we asked CLLAW ref Gordon Limey what he thought of Florida Devereaux’s attempt to wrest power away from Rockke at CLLAW 12. “I don’t know what is going on. I’ve been on a 365 day tour of all of England’s pubs, so I literally have no idea what is going on and haven’t for more than a year,” said the long-time ref. So perhaps he wasn’t the best person to ask.

We’ll keep digging and let you know what CLLAW 13 might bring. Don’t wait to find out from us though. Put yourself in the middle of the action. We’re still taking applications for wrestlers. Fill out the application form here.

Looking for a Few Good Ladies

If you haven’t heard yet, the date is set for the CLLAW 13. We don’t have to ask if you will be joining us at CLLAW 13 on April 21st. That’s an obvious answer. Yes! But in what capacity? Will you simply watch from the sidelines? Don’t do that. Make the leap from spectator to participant. We’re still taking applications for lady arm wrestlers. Get your application in and then ride the CLLAW wave all the way to the championship round. Reigning champion Armageddon will be waiting for you there. Sign up here.

WE’RE LIVE!

 

Find us on Facebook and join the party! CLLAW is down with our social networking abilities, and you should be too! Get arm wrestling tips, information on the wrestlers, and all the news that’s fit to CLLAW (it’s a verb now, deal with it) on www.twitter.com/ChicagoCLLAW 

We have 905 Facebook friends and growing!  And 150 followers on Twitter – and we want you to be one of them!

And that’s not all, folks.

The CLLAW 13 Facebook Event is where the party is at, and it’s where you should be too! CLICK HERE to RSVP!

CLLAW 13

CLLAW 13 is coming April 21