Brand new lady arm wrestler Gorrison Killer is coming off the airwaves to face off with The Doctor. Who? The Doctor. Arm Lord vs. public radio’s bad mutherf**ker in the first round of CLLAW’s Sweet 16 tomorrow night.
What should you know about Gorrison Killer before you arrive at the Logan Square Auditorium on June 7th? Gorrison Killer hails from Lake Hobegone, Minnesota, where all the women are really f**king strong, the men are good for nothing, and the children have above-average biceps. Everyone woman she defeats tomorrow night loses most of her dignity, yes, but she gains a tote bag for her loyalty to losing.
“I know 15 ladies who will be tuning into the ‘Weakened Edition’ on Saturday morning!” Find if she’s got what it takes tomorrow at 10PM. Entry to CLLAW 16 is only $10.
What’s better than arm wrestling? Arm wrestling and music. What’s better than arm wrestling and music? Arm wrestling and music for only $10. CLLAW’s sweet 16 will have 16 arm wrestling ladies and 3 musical acts too!
Arrive right when the doors open at 10:00 PM for a performance by the lovely Vallery Dolls. She’ll croon you into the first rounds of wrestling. Our halftime show comes courtesy of Black Laces, which feature the musical talents of wrestler Ivana Drago. Give her your full attention or she’ll pound your face in with an iron fist. And then after we crown our CLLAW 16 champion, Chicago’s premiere fight-themed cover band, The Lucky Shiners, will close out the night.
And here’s the best part: All proceeds from CLLAW are donated to charity. Sideshow Theatre Company’s partner charity for CLLAW 16 is C4 (Community Counseling Centers of Chicago). C4 helps adults and children recover from mental health problems, overcome substance use, and heal from emotional trauma.
So now you have something to look forward to. You just have to fight through your workweek to earn a fight-filled night on Friday, June 7th. The doors of the Logan Square Auditorium open at 10 PM.
The Killer Bee returns to defend her title Friday, June 7th at the Logan Square Auditorium. Is the six-time champ unstoppable? Maybe … but maybe not. Rumor has it she’s been sending pollen-laced letters to her opponents in the weeks leading up to CLLAW with the hope that their allergies might flare up and leave them unable to compete. Sounds like one top competitor might not be so sure of victory this time around.
“I wasn’t sure the letter was for me because it was addressed to Snow ‘You Are Weak’ Blight, but I opened it because it had my address on it. There was all this yellow powder in it. I immediately started sneezing,” said competitor Snow Blight, who returns to CLLAW on Friday night after a long absence. At CLLAW 13, she took a sip from a poisoned cider that left her snoozing for a few months. “It’s my kryptonite,” she said. “It sucks too because I just love apples.”
When we attempted to contact the Bee about these pollen-filled letters, she said, “Not me. Didn’t do it.” When we reminded her that she was, in fact, the only bee competing at CLLAW she said, “It’s allergy season. Pollen is everywhere.”
CLLAW’s Sweet 16 hits the Logan Square Auditorium this Friday, June 7th. Doors open at 10 PM. Tickets are only $10 and available now! Bring Claritin.
Sixteen already! They grow up so fast. CLLAW is old enough to drive but not old enough to drink … legally. To celebrate this momentous occasion, we’ve assembled 16 badass lady arm wrestlers, two bands—Black Laces and The Lucky Shiners—one partner charity—C4, Community Counseling Centers of Chicago—and an opening night performance by CLLAW mainstay Vallery Dolls.
What does Rockke L. Squelch have to say about it? “It’s sounds like a nice party. I will have a party just like it when I turn 16 … in one years,” she said.
So to sum up, we’ve learned that CLLAW’s Sweet 16 will be one hell of a party and apparently Rockke L. Squelch is only 15. Florida Devereaux had this to say in response, “If Rockke L. Squelch is 15, then I’m sober.” CLLAW 16 hits Logan Square Auditorium on Friday, June 7th. Only $10 dollars gets you in the open doors at 10PM.
CLLAW is big. It’s real big and it continues to grow. Every last bit of that success and growth is due to our army of extraordinary volunteers, from wrestlers and managers to CLLAWBUX sellers and wrestler wranglers. Our wrestling roster for CLLAW 16 on June 7th has rounded itself out nicely but we still need more volunteers. And you can be a part of it.
Are you ready to hit the ground running at CLLAW? Want to be more than just a spectator? We want all of that too! Volunteer for CLLAW’s Sweet 16 now! VOLUNTEER!.
CLLAW 16 is all grown-up, has its parent’s car keys in hand, and ready to kick some ass.
We love new wrestlers at CLLAW but all new wrestlers are required to complete the CLLAW Wrestler-in-Training program before wrestling in a CLLAW. It’s easy and painless – which is actually sort of the point of the training: to keep it that way.
1) All wrestlers-in-training must attend all three mandatory meetings, which includes new wrestler safety training, prior to wrestling in their first event.
2) All wrestlers-in-training must have valid health insurance before their first wrestling event.
- May 21st from 8-10 PM
- May 28th from 7-10 PM
- June 4th from 7:30-9:30 PM
- June 7: CLLAW XVI Event
So sign up today and join The Chicago League of Lady Arm Wrestlers. We want YOU to join our ranks! Don’t fret about how strong you are – you just bring your awesome, energetic, and lovable self. We’ll create the show together.
Where has she been? What has she been doing? Who has she been shiving because she certainly hasn’t been shiving her fellow lady arm wrestlers? We’ve got the answers to all your Strawberry Shivcake questions.
The question on everyone’s mind is … if you could eat one dessert for the rest of your life what would it be?
Easy. Chocolate cheesecake.
Where have you been keeping yourself?
I haven’t been keeping myself anywhere. The good people of the Illinois Department of Corrections have been keeping me in solitary confinement. One minute you are enjoying a bloody mary over brunch on a Sunday morning and the next minute you’ve made a shiv out of the celery stick and shivved the guy at the table next to yours while he took an Instagram of his banana bourbon waffles. It happens to everyone, you know? Who doesn’t have a similar story?
Well that answers our question about who you’ve been shivving.
Oh well I’ve been shiving other people too. At least I think I have. Your mind plays tricks on you in solitary. I’m pretty sure there was another person in my cell though. And I’m also pretty sure I shivved her with Slim Jim once or twice.
In your absence, we’ve acquired quite a few new wrestlers. How do you feel about CLLAW’s new blood?
I mean I’m gonna shiv them. Is that what you’re asking? Yeah I’m gonna shiv the shit out of them, especially June Meat Cleaver. She’s all like, “I’ve got a cleaver.” And I’m like, “I’ve got a shiv and I can make a shiv out of anything.” I’d like to see her get her cleaver through airport security.
Tonight’s the night. Watch the wild ladies of CLLAW go over the top at the arm wrestling table. Choose a wrestler or choose a gang of wrestlers – The Grips or The Notorious V.A.G. Doors open at 10 PM. Get there at 10 for a very special Valentine’s Day performance from the beautiful, talented, and imposing Vallery Dolls. She asked us to pass along this message: “Come to CLLAW to see me but spend liberally because it’s for the children.” All the proceeds from CLLAW go to Sideshow Theatre Company and Girls Rock! Chicago.