As CLLAW 3 looms nearer, we took some time to speak with one of the fair-minded and always humble judges of the CLLAW matches, Mr. Richard Douche.
1) So Richard, why don’t you tell us a little about yourself.
I’m really hungover right now and all this coffee I’m drinking is giving me the runs. I also have a hole in my left sock. It’s probably because I haven’t changed it in a few weeks–a little experiment I’m trying.
2) How does one get involved in Lady Arm Wrestling?
Well, it takes two ladies to arm wrestle. It doesn’t make much sense for one to get involved. You need to have two. That’s just simple mathematics.
(he makes a crude hand gesture)
3) I suppose that’s true. Some have said that you’re tough, but fair, while others say you’re fair, but kind of a tool. Which is it?
Good question. I’d say if I were to be any tool, I’d be a hammer.
4) Have you made any adjustments to your referee’s costume, or is it standard uniform code?
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Although I’m considering getting some floaties, you know like the kind you wear around your arm so you don’t drown. I was also thinking of donning a Ronald Reagan mask cuz that’d be wicked.
5) It certainly would be. Tell us, what do you feel has been your most unusual moment in a match?
During CLLAW 2 I’d taken a few hits of some pretty ridonkulous recreational cough syrup. So Susan Messing looked like this really big outrageous pink alligator and when she was telling those wrestlers to apologize–I mean, whoa. She was frickin scary. In fact most of that evening had a very reptilian theme to it. I was trippin man. Trippin like a KITE.
6) Your favorite moment?
April 20, 1994. I’d rather not get into it.
7) Do you have any favorites to win in this upcoming CLLAW match?
It’s not good for referees to pick favorites. I can tell you this much: Shivcake has got these ladies gunning for her. She’d better watch out. I think we’re about to see the end of that dynasty.
8) Tell us the rules of Lady Arm Wrestling – what is it you are looking out for?
The biggest is the elbows coming up. I’m also looking to see if they’re wearing underwear. That there is a biggie.
9) Critics have accused you, in the past, of accepting bribes – do you have anything to say to that?
Accepti–what?… ha. No. Erroneous. Haha, what? Bribes? What’s that? I mean I know what that is but… Of course n–I mean, no. I can’t even begin to–that’s ridiculous. Can you repeat the question?
Yeah, sure, why not. Yeah – anyone who is on the inter-webby thing can find me on The Facebooks. I’m out there blogging and tweeting and posting and stuff like that. Come be my friend, I’m a helluva good guy.
11) Where do you feel the future of the CLLAW event lies?
In my pants! Just kidding. But I don’t really know. Lemme just hop in my delorean and find out for you. Idiot. No one can predict the future. If I could predict the future, do you think I’d be here talking to you? Also, don’t you think there are more important questions about the future, like when is global warming gonna start? We need to recycle more and do more for our mother earth. I need a drink.
Mr. Douche promptly cut the rest of the interview short and headed out to a local bar, we caught up with him while face down in a gutter in Lincoln Park around 3AM.
11) Do you have any final words of encouragement or wisdom for the upcoming wrestlers?
Gahhhrmmmuggle barnfark! Ruggle rample blahhhhhhhhhhrrrrppp.
It was at this point he passed out.
In traditional fashion, Strawberry Shivcake rocketed to the semi-finals. However, her grand efforts were thwarted by newcomer, Armjolina Jolie. Shivcake finished the match strong, but due to technicalities, the judges overturned the ruling and the Berry sweetheart lost to the heavily pregnant foe.
Tricep Exercises – Dummbell Hammer Curls: With elbows to the sides, raise one dumbbell until forearm is vertical and the thumb faces the shoulder. Lower to original position and repeat with alternative arm.
Only 1,468,800 seconds left.
