CLLAW is big. It’s real big and it continues to grow. Every last bit of that success and growth is due to our army of extraordinary volunteers, from wrestlers and managers to CLLAWBUX sellers and wrestler wranglers. Our wrestling roster for CLLAW 16 on June 7th has rounded itself out nicely but we still need more volunteers. And you can be a part of it.
Are you ready to hit the ground running at CLLAW? Want to be more than just a spectator? We want all of that too! Volunteer for CLLAW’s Sweet 16 now! VOLUNTEER!.
CLLAW 16 is all grown-up, has its parent’s car keys in hand, and ready to kick some ass.
We love new wrestlers at CLLAW but all new wrestlers are required to complete the CLLAW Wrestler-in-Training program before wrestling in a CLLAW. It’s easy and painless – which is actually sort of the point of the training: to keep it that way.
1) All wrestlers-in-training must attend all three mandatory meetings, which includes new wrestler safety training, prior to wrestling in their first event.
2) All wrestlers-in-training must have valid health insurance before their first wrestling event.
- May 21st from 8-10 PM
- May 28th from 7-10 PM
- June 4th from 7:30-9:30 PM
- June 7: CLLAW XVI Event
So sign up today and join The Chicago League of Lady Arm Wrestlers. We want YOU to join our ranks! Don’t fret about how strong you are – you just bring your awesome, energetic, and lovable self. We’ll create the show together.
Where has she been? What has she been doing? Who has she been shiving because she certainly hasn’t been shiving her fellow lady arm wrestlers? We’ve got the answers to all your Strawberry Shivcake questions.
The question on everyone’s mind is … if you could eat one dessert for the rest of your life what would it be?
Easy. Chocolate cheesecake.
Where have you been keeping yourself?
I haven’t been keeping myself anywhere. The good people of the Illinois Department of Corrections have been keeping me in solitary confinement. One minute you are enjoying a bloody mary over brunch on a Sunday morning and the next minute you’ve made a shiv out of the celery stick and shivved the guy at the table next to yours while he took an Instagram of his banana bourbon waffles. It happens to everyone, you know? Who doesn’t have a similar story?
Well that answers our question about who you’ve been shivving.
Oh well I’ve been shiving other people too. At least I think I have. Your mind plays tricks on you in solitary. I’m pretty sure there was another person in my cell though. And I’m also pretty sure I shivved her with Slim Jim once or twice.
In your absence, we’ve acquired quite a few new wrestlers. How do you feel about CLLAW’s new blood?
I mean I’m gonna shiv them. Is that what you’re asking? Yeah I’m gonna shiv the shit out of them, especially June Meat Cleaver. She’s all like, “I’ve got a cleaver.” And I’m like, “I’ve got a shiv and I can make a shiv out of anything.” I’d like to see her get her cleaver through airport security.
Tonight’s the night. Watch the wild ladies of CLLAW go over the top at the arm wrestling table. Choose a wrestler or choose a gang of wrestlers – The Grips or The Notorious V.A.G. Doors open at 10 PM. Get there at 10 for a very special Valentine’s Day performance from the beautiful, talented, and imposing Vallery Dolls. She asked us to pass along this message: “Come to CLLAW to see me but spend liberally because it’s for the children.” All the proceeds from CLLAW go to Sideshow Theatre Company and Girls Rock! Chicago.
Calamity Pain has a reputation for being a quick draw, a guns slinger, a non-believer in the Code of the West, those unwritten rules of hospitality, fair play, loyalty, and respect for the land. Calamity Pain has never had a houseguest, cheats at cards, been called a traitor by every sheriff she’s ever come across, and only ever planted a tree to piss off Lumberjack Jill. She’s an outlaw with her trigger finger pointed directly at CLLAW.
This isn’t your first rodeo, what do you plan to do differently this time around?
Win. I’m ready and so are my guns.
Do you have any particular lady wrestler in your sights?
I’m calling out Lumberjack Jill. She won CLLAW 14 but she stands no chance this time around. I’m your huckleberry, Jill.
What have you done to prepare for CLLAW 15?
I’ve got guns. That’s all it takes.
Watch Calamity Pain attempt to take the CLLAW 15 championship tomorrow night at Logan Square Auditorium. Doors open at 10 PM. Stick around after the final round to watch the Blue Ribbon Glee Club, a Chicago-based a capella group performing covers of classic punk rock songs.
CLLAW is getting redder and not because we’re blushing or it’s Valentine’s Day but because our ranks are about to be invaded by the Soviet Union’s Ivana Drago. She plans to meet the other wrestlers at Red Dawn (10:30 PM on February 16th), lower the Iron Curtain with an Iron Fist and then drink to every other wrestler’s demise with lots of vodka during CLLAW’s 3-hour open bar for only $25 from 10-1 AM.
This is your first time at CLLAW. Any nerves?
I think you must be an idiot. Russian’s do not get nerves. This is very stupid question.
Is there anyone you’re looking forward to wrestling?
I look forward nothing. I fear nothing. But I need to say that Hillary RodARM Clinton is weak. She wait to be elected. In Russia, we wait for nothing and no one and never ask permission for power. She will be very easy to beat.
Well … yeah but she …
I think you must idiot. I am crushing you with my mind right now. I do not crush with my fist because CLLAW is only two days away. I do not waste my fist on you right now.
Ivana Drago wants to see all her comrades in arms at Logan Square Auditorium this Saturday, February 16. She said, “If you don’t come, I will crush you.” So I guess we’ll see you there.
Every lady arm wrestler is a leader in some way. She might be on top of the leaderboard for pushups at her local gym or maybe she’s a leader on a completely different scale, like brand new wrestler Hillary RodARM Clinton. She’s new to CLLAW but she’s definitely not new to handling the pressure of leadership. She’s travelled all over the world and back again, meeting prime ministers and premiers over the arm wrestling table.
What can’t you live without?
My weighted Blackberry. I use it to tone my biceps and check email at the same time. Women are multitaskers, which naturally makes us better leaders.
You’ve faced off against many formidable foes, who was the most formidable?
What’s life look like for you, say 4 years from now? That would be 2016, in case you’re wondering …
The only thing I’ll say is that 4 years from now I’ll be arm wrestling and I’ll be winning.
She’s left the rules of diplomacy behind because Hillary RodARM Clinton is nobody’s secretary now. Watch her in action at her CLLAW debut this Saturday, February 16th at the Logan Square Auditorium. Hail to the First Lady!
Tell a lady arm wrestler that CLLAW is about anything other than arm wrestling and she’ll probably knock you to the ground and then help you up and then knock you back down on the ground again and potentially kick you in the shins couple of times. Another other option is that she might slap you right after you say it and then walk away and then slap attack you at various points throughout the night when you least expect it, like while you’re in the men’s room. And this is highly unlikely but she might also give you a hug, buy you a drink at the bar, show you around the space, and tell you interesting things about the history of CLLAW. And then, once you are comfortable and having fun, she’ll start knocking your drinks out of your hand the entire evening, even glasses of water.
So the lesson is that you shouldn’t tell a lady arm wrestler that CLLAW is about anything other than arm wrestling but you should know that CLLAW is about more than just arm wrestling.
All the proceeds from CLLAW go to charity. Sideshow Theatre Company’s partner charity for CLLAW XV is Girl’s Rock! Chicago, a nonprofit dedicated to fostering the creative expression, positive self-esteem and community awareness of young women through rock music. Lady arm wrestlers, Sideshow Theatre Company, and Girl’s Rock! Chicago – well that sounds like a match made in heaven.
Come support Chicago storefront theatre, strong women and strong women in training next Saturday, February 16th at the Logan Square Auditorium. It’s the chance to do something good while behaving badly, if you choose.