On the day before the day before CLLAW 12, we take a look back at CLLAW’s most prolific champion, the Killer Bee. The Killer Bee has dominated time after time, but she won’t be at CLLAW 12. That means it’s anyone’s championship to win. Get your tickets, place your bets, and get ready for a wild ride.

For only $25 enjoy a three-hour open bar from 10 PM- 1 AM or entry is $10 with a cash bar.

The Mayans predicted it, but could it be coming sooner than expected? Is this, as the great R.E.M once said, “the end of the world as we know it?” Probably not, but CLLAW’s time-travelling lady wrestler, Armageddon, just won’t shut up about it. Maybe she’s just referring to every other wrestler’s chances at CLLAW 12 this Saturday, January 28th. She’s certainly confident about her own victory. The brave men and women over at Wood Sugars put themselves in harm’s way–Armageddon is radioactive after all–to find out more.

With only a little over a week until CLLAW 12 tensions are high. Florida
Devereaux and Rockke L. Squelch have put aside all pretense of friendship in favor of what appears to be open verbal warfare. All CLLAW lady arm-wrestlers have said they severely dislike at least one other wrestler and hate the rest. Wrestlers old and new have squared off against each other, vowing victory for themselves and predicting defeat for everyone else. And while it is true that CLLAW’s bicep-blessed ladies are prone towards hyperbole, in this instance they are correct. There will be only one winner and a few not-winners. (We don’t like the term “loser” in CLLAW. Wrestlers use it, but we try to avoid it.)

So what does all of this CLLAWnimosity mean? Well it means this is shaping to be one heck of a show. See the CLLAWnimosity–which could involve all of the following: pushing, throwing, swearing, punching, pinching, yelling, kicking, smacking, laughing, crying, winning, skipping, jump roping (you never know)–for yourself on January 28th at Club 162 in Wrigleyville.

It doesn’t happen often and when it does, it’s important to take advantage of it. Come to CLLAW 12 for the arm wrestling and the open bar and leave with the sense you’ve done something good for mankind. “That’s impossible,” you say. It’s not. As always, all the proceeds from CLLAW go to charity.

Sideshow Theatre Company‘s partner charity for CLLAW 12 is Marwen. While government funding for the arts is slashed throughout the country, Marwen continues to educate, inspire, and motivate under-served young people in Chicago through the visual arts, from art classes to college and career preparation.

Get your tickets for CLLAW 12 now. Tickets are available online, here. Help others while helping yourself … to a few drinks from CLLAW’s open bar for only $25. After all, charity begins are home.

1) Find out the song that was #1 the week you were born – February 19, 2009, Just Dance ft. Colby O’Donis
2) Find that song on YouTube.
3) Post that video on your wall without shame.

Of course, this means that CLLAW’s 3rd birthday approaches. Celebrate this momentous occasion early at CLLAW 12 on January 28th at Club 162 in Wrigleyville. This is what CLLAW wants for its birthday. You do not want to disappoint CLLAW.

In England, today is known as Boxing Day, a day when families around Britain work out their aggression by boxing each other. That sounds like a tradition CLLAW can get behind. The welterweight champ of her maximum security prison, Connie Vict chose to pass along her Christmas threat today.

“If the Killer Bee thinks she can work her voodoo on me, I’ll just employ a Chuck Norris signature roundhouse kick and send that bad juju right back at her.”

We wish everyone a festive and aggressive holiday season. See you in 2012 at CLLAW 12!

As it is Christmas, we took a little break from threatening to open presents, but now we’re ready to threaten again. For the eleventh threat of Christmas, Little Sister Shotgun, a protege of Florida Devereaux, asked us to pass along more of a message than a threat.

“Hey, Squelch! I came by your house today and used yer toilet and then I washed my hands in that there punch bowl of egg nog on yer table. Just wanted you to know that. Ha ha ha. Florida forever!”

We’d expect nothing less from Little Sister Shotgun. In fact, normally we’d expect worse. Merry Christmas! The final threat of Christmas will have you quaking in your boots tomorrow … the second busiest shopping day of the year.

It’s on days like Christmas Eve and Christmas that the rest of the world sets aside their differences and embraces a time of peace. Not so for CLLAW. In fact, all that love and understanding just might make CLLAWers even angrier. For the 10th threat of Christmas, Rockke L. Squelch reminds Santa why it is best that she gets EVERYTHING from her Christmas list.

“I do not think a three page list is that much to ask. It’s not like I ask for things every day; I ask for 365 presents once a year … a present for every day. If I get up tomorrow and there are not 365 presents under the tree, I will miss the next CLLAW because, Santa, I’ll be too busy hunting you down.”

Check your list twice, Santa. It’s in your best interest and CLLAW’s that Rockke gets exactly what she wants for Christmas. Happy Christmas Eve. The next CLLAW threat of Christmas will threaten its way to your computers tomorrow.

There are few things about CLLAW that aren’t threatening, from wrestling convicts to a glamazonian mistress of ceremonialisms, but nothing and no one in CLLAW is quite as threatening as The Killer Bee. She’s been terrorizing wrestlers and dominating CLLAW from the very beginning. With a posse to strong-arm judges, spectators, and wrestlers alike, The Killer Bee has all bases covered at all times … well except this time.

That’s right, CLLAW enthusiasts. The Killer Bee won’t be at CLLAW 12, but according to the Bee, that won’t stop her from making sure Connie Vict doesn’t win her third CLLAW championship. For our ninth threat of Christmas, the Bee tells how she plans to be in two places at once.

“I’ve been taking regular trips down to New Orleans to bone up on my voodoo. I’ve found a little doll that looks just like you, Connie. Oh and I’ve got some pins. Even when she’s thousands of miles away, you can’t escape the Bee’s sting.”

Will returning champion Connie Vict be able to best all the competition at CLLAW 12 and the Killer Bee’s newly acquired dark arts? Find out on January 28th at Club 162.