Gordon Limey is a journeyman referee on loan from the English Premier Wrist Wrestling League. Originally sent stateside as a fill-in official for CLLAW VI, Gordon has been unable to return home due to a number of outstanding warrants and an unfairly strict no-fly list. As profane as he is passionate and as belligerent as he is drunk, Gordon brings to CLLAW a laissez-faire officiating style and a penchant for forcibly inebriating the competitors. On the CLLAW platform, he can be seen wearing the scarf of the Arsenal Gunners (England’s greatest football team), and can also be seen to verbally/physically assault anyone who openly flaunts the colors of the Tottenham Hotspur (England’s greatest wank squad).
Heidi Bras-de-Fer is a world-renowned master arm wrestler and is an expert in organized competitive ladies’ arm wrestling, certified both in the US and in Europe. She rose to glory as Geneva’s arm wrestling champion in 2006, and it was predicted, most prominently in Femme triomphante, the quarterly publication of La Confédération Féminine Européenne de la Lutte des Bras (the European Ladies’ Arm Wrestling Confederation), that she could take the European crown and sash in the sport that year. However, in a nod to her country’s historic neutrality, she turned a deaf ear to her devoted fans’ entreaties, bowed graciously from the spotlight, and turned to refereeing.
Already widely acknowledged an expert in the rules of ladies’ arm wrestling on multiple continents, her continued research has led to her publication in Femme triomphante and in various American, British, and Australian publications. “While heartbreaking, I could not sink myself or my country’s reputation into some of the sordid scrabbling that was taking place in the Confederation while I was a wrestler,” Heidi says. “As a referee, I have seen great changes, and I am proud to be mistress and supervisor of the renaissance of this noble and refined sport.” It should be said that this is Heidi’s first occasion to supervise a ladies’ arm wrestling match in the United States.
Richard Douche (pronounced “Douchay”): Dick is a proud Douche, hailing from Flemington, New Jersey. A lifelong member of the NRA, Dick enjoys hunting, golf, darts, and not changing his socks for up to three weeks at a time. Mr. Douche attends any and all arm-wrestling events in the city of Chicago and referees most of them, from middle-school gymnasiums to bowling alleys to prissy little fund raisers for theatre companies at bars. Dick is a champion at the ring toss, squirt-gun-races, guess-your-weight games, and throw-the-ball-in-the-fish-bowl games, and always wins the biggest pink bears and Bart Simpsons you’ve ever seen.
Dick is usually the guy who cuts you off without a turn signal, arrests you for an open container, wears speedos at the beach, drinks your last beer, and texts you at 3:50 in the morning to tell you how much he misses you and doesn’t know what he’ll do without you and loves you and why won’t you take me back?!?!?!!? He is a master of Duck Hunt and believes his Mario/Donkey Kong duo will beat your lame team at Super Mario Kart any day. Seriously, don’t even try it.
Mistress Bettie Rage was busy dominating the arm wrestling ring for CLLAW IX and X, but knew early on in her career that she would rather be the one with the whistle..or the whip. Rage is joining the ranks with the handsome referees starting with CLLAW XI, and she’s ready to bring her wrath down on all those lovely ladies now below her. Rage is ready to make the tough calls, and administer justice the only way she knows how – with a little smack on the booty. Although let’s not lie – Rage’s wrath is usually quite pleasurable, though not always pleasing.
